Parental communication: The prophetic way

Parental Communication: The Prophetic Way

Syed Sohaib Ishtiaq Jafry

The relationship between a parent and a child is one of great importance in any society. It is the building block on which all future communication and relations are built. How parents treat their children and communicate with them, has profound effects on shaping the character of their children. The Prophets sent by Allah (SWT) embodied different roles throughout their lives and being a father was also an important duty that they performed. The issue of parental communication has always been crucial for any functional society, it is no wonder that the Quran has mentioned different Prophets and how they interacted with their children. A special case on the issue at hand is of Ya’qub (A.S) and his children, which Allah (SWT) elaborates in chapter 12 (Surah Yusuf).

When Yusuf (AS), a young boy of no more than 10 came to his father with a dream so bizarre, Ya’qub (AS) had to warn him of the potential harm which may come from sibling rivalry while making sure his son does not develop feelings of hate and distrust for his brothers. What did the prostrating sun, moon and elven stars mean? Well son I’ll tell you, but you should keep this dream a secret from your siblings, for Satan is man’s enemy and can make them conspire against you. The father is teaching his son about how easily human nature is swayed by evil and that one should have a big heart if anyone targets them and they should take protective measures if they fear or suspect harm or ill will from someone. Not only did Ya’qub (AS) teach his son an important life principle on dealing with others, he also communicated to him about the lingering threat of his eternal enemy on earth; Satan and his demonic forces. Knowing how your child in particular and children in general feel and think is key if one wishes to effectively communicate with them.

Parents should treat their children equally in what they can control, but who they love more is something they have no control over, thus it is inevitable that there will be days when this extra love may create unwarranted feelings and intentions in others. In such cases it is a parent’s responsibility to make sure their biased feelings does not prompt them to do or say things that will justify those feelings and intentions. The brothers of Yusuf (AS) were aware that their father loved Yusuf more than he did them and this made them resentful and bitter. They planned to side line their younger brother so they could receive more of father’s attention. Ya’qub (AS) was already warry of such intentions but he had no proof, so when the sons came to ask for permission to allow Yusuf to accompany them for a day out for fun and play, rather than calling them out on their agenda and potentially worsening the situation, the father subtly expressed his concern. I’m afraid harm will come to your brother and you indulged in play might be unaware.

That night when the sons returned with a bloody shirt, mourning their dead brother who a wolf had devoured, Ya’qub (AS) in the most emotional of moments had to communicate to his sons of the truth while making sure he did not jeopardise their relation lest he be left with no way to help his sons rectify their ways and repent for their sins. ‘This is seems like your’ doing, not that of a wolf, Allah will deal with what you say I can only have patience.’ The father delivers the message that he is doubtful of their story but he is taking no recourse, communicating to his sons that parents are not as naïve as young adults, especially teenagers might take them to be. Patience is a virtue one must embody no matter how dire the situation and one should leave matters beyond their reach to the Almighty.

Fast forward 20 years later when the treasurer of the Egyptian empire orders the sons of Ya’qub to bring with them their younger brother Bin Yamen if they wanted food for their family. Ya’qub (AS) makes it clear that he cannot trust what his sons say for in a similar matter they had lied to him a long time ago. ‘A difficult decision needs to be made’, he thinks to himself. ‘I can’t just trust them but the famine will surely wipe us out if he does not accompany his brothers to Egypt’. For a believer the sanctity of the word of Allah is absolute, make a God pact that you will do all in your power to protect him and I shall let him accompany you’. ‘O my beloved sons enter the city divided not as a group, this is merely a precaution what Allah wills happens and in his decision I trust.’ This dialogue of faith and character, Ya’qub (AS) conveys to his sons how fragile ‘Trust’ is, that once broken never goes back to the way it was, even if it is someone as loving and forgiving as a parent. Allah, should be the centre of your lives, fulfil promises you make to him and in his decisions you should always trust.

When the second son was also lost and the news to Ya’qub (AS) relayed, only human he could not believe the same story twice and this triggered the painful memories of the loss of Yusuf (AS) and the poor father yearned and mourned for his lost son. Young blood saw that their father was to sentimental and started reprimanding him. Ya’qub (AS) knew that further discussion when they were on the defensive was pointless and dismissed then. After the situation cooled down he tasked his sons to go and bring back their brothers, Bin Yamen and the eldest one who stayed behind in Egypt. Parents need to be mindful that they are the ones who need to guide conflicts with their children. They need to be aware that young people lack the same level of maturity and patience than older people. So if the situation calls for a timeout they must be the ones to initiate the pause, rather than abusing their authority.

The communication lessons that we can derive from the dialogues between Ya’qub (AS) and sons are that

Parents and Parental figures need to be aware that they are the moderators and facilitators of conversation

Communicate rather than boss around and dictate

Know child and teenage psychology, i.e. how and why they think and do what they do.

Be patient if the child acts out of character

Mistakes happen, be willing to forgive and give second chances.

Listen to what they have to say before handing out opinions and judgements.

These were some of the lessons that are derived from Surah Yusuf of the Qur’an. There are other events in the Qur’an, stories of other Prophets and historical figures that can be explored in the Qur’an to find out more insights on Prophetic communication for parents and parental figures.